A Wish to Grab Happiness

Volume 5, Chapter 99: Restraint

「I cannot stop now. I firmly believe it from the bottom of my heart. Even if it’s impossible, I still want to intercept Lagias in the palace escape route. I believe that’s what I should do right now.」

Lugis’ words were unwavering. He didn’t need to say any more than that. His words and intention were clear. In response, Eldith’s lips quivered. Her blue eyes pierced Lugis’ eyes.

「…I don’t need to hear more excuses. I’m not entirely convinced you know. I still don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go. Ah, but you never listen to me, do you. Either way, you are full of resolve, I understand that, but your trust in others is something I dislike. After all, you don’t even know if that silver-haired girl will do well in the battlefield.」

Eldith interrupted Lugis’ words and discredited them.

Speaking of which, Eldith’s face told Lugis what were her real feelings. Her cheeks distorted, and her expression hardened as if a snake suddenly bit her hand.

Eldith’s eyebrows quivered slightly, and her blue eyes opened wide. This expression contained unmistakable anger. Her lips showed dissatisfaction and her voice was full of exasperation, swirling inside her chest.

「I hate that nature of yours. Truly. Did you say bottom of your heart? How despicable. Your resolve to sacrifice your own life is something I will never understand.」

Eldith looked at Lugis with a confusing expression on her face.

Eldith’s expression, which was originally undecipherable in the past journey, was now lively and volatile as ever. She voiced her emotions, which was something unheard of in the past.

“I’m sure Lugis doesn’t understand.” Eldith thought.

“That silver-haired swordswoman. Why did she go to the battlefield in his place? What was he thinking back then while staring at her back?” Eldith did not find the answers to these questions, but she was clearly aware of the frustration they brought on her.

Eldith’s eyebrows upstretched.

「The truth is, I didn’t feel like talking to you. But, I came here to show you some courtesy as you showed me your honor before.」

“I don’t want to show him any weakness.” Eldith’s mind was full of bitter feelings.

There was two reasons why Eldith invoked her illusion to the front lines.

First. To fulfil her responsibility. Responsibility as a general commander and as the person whom her people trusted. Eldith firmly believed that she mustn’t turn her eyes away from the dying soldiers, and the hell that spread in the hands of who killed.

Second. Eldith waited eagerly for Lugis’ return. However, this wait proved to be too unbearable for her.

“Was Lugis trying to die in this battle? I can’t erase the feeling that somehow Lugis is trying to die for my sake. Does he want to achieve something in my name? To fulfil my responsibilities as a leader. I cannot understand why he wants to achieve that much. Why does he want to go to his deathbed so quickly? This is beyond my comprehension.” Eldith was full of confusing thoughts.

There was no doubt that the anxiety that scratched Eldith’s chest was one of the reasons for choosing to use illusions.

But, Eldith understood her serious role as general commander. She must not die, because her people needed a leader. That’s why she resorted to illusions. But, was it really okay for Lugis to be sacrificed in her place? She never once thought or wanted other people to be sacrificed for her before. She wanted her people to fight beside her. To fight with the same ideals. Not to be sacrifices. Not to waste anyone’s lives.

Eldith didn’t want to show Lugis her vulnerable feelings. She could show him every single aspect of her, even her strange habits. But not her vulnerable feelings. Her insecure persona. She truly didn’t want him to know that side of her.

Besides this fact, Eldith felt that her illusion was a terribly cowardly act. After all, Lugis was the brave one. He wanted to go to battle while hurt.

Although Eldith was in a peaceful and safe position, her frustration consumed her inside.

Originally, Eldith’s nature would not allow the rampage of these feelings.

In fact, up to this day, Eldith kept a strong demeanor and silently watched her soldiers fight to the death. She had to witness their bravery as their general commander, sometimes it was way too harsh to see, but she had to keep watching for their honor. Moreover, she silently watched Lugis’ unpredictable combat activities as well, while waiting for his return. Even when he exchanged deep words with the silver-haired girl, Eldith did not try to close her eyes. She endured her strong emotions for a long while still.

However, her emotions burst and she could not subside them anymore. Her feelings were unstoppable now, and she could not hold them back.

Was he not able to hear other people’s hearts through their actions? On this very moment, Lugis muttered after biting his chewing tobacco.

「C’mon, stop it. My ears hurt. There’s no need for you to understand. Besides, you don’t comprehend other people’s feelings, so…」

「…I know that, but I don’t need you to tell me that. What can I do about it? There’s no way that I can grow that habit from day to night.」

Eldith reflexively stopped Lugis’ words. She was upset by his response. Unexpectedly, an embarrassing emotion emerged in Eldith’s chest.

Eldith suddenly blushed with embarrassment. She reacted foolishly like a small child. However, the emotions overflowing in her heart caused her words to fall out of her throat. She couldn’t stop it anymore.

「I certainly don’t know you that well. I can’t understand your reasoning and your resolve. All I know is the life I had in the Tower. There are a lot of things that I still don’t know about.」

Frustrating. Yes, for Eldith it was a regretful truth.

Surely, that silver-haired swordswoman, even that black-haired Sorceress, knew about one side of Lugis that Eldith did not know about. This undeniable fact burnt the back of Eldith’s throat.

That’s why Eldith didn’t care whether or not they broke their promise with Lugis, as long as they didn’t have anything to do with him breaking the promise with her. That’s all what was in Eldith’s mind.

「But I can say this. You are actually the foolish one. How can you trust her so much? Will she do as she said she would and help us? At what expense?」

An illusion could not touch objects. Her fingertips could not even move one thing.

However, Eldith brought her illusion closer to Lugis himself, who stood up properly after a while. Her fingertips seemed to touch Lugis’ cheek.

Naturally, her fingers penetrated through his cheek. She could not touch him with her illusion. However, through her piercing blue eyes, Eldith felt that Lugis’ feelings were overflowing from his chest. Resolute feelings.

「I don’t even know what to say to you. Eldith…」

「Don’t apologize. Do you hear me? Don’t you ever apologize for your feelings, you idiot. I don’t want such a pathetic knight.」

Eldith knew what Lugis was going to say. He was about to apologize when he opened his lips. But, Eldith forbid him from saying that word.

Lugis’ hand trembled when he tried to touch the illusion’s shoulder.

In fact, Eldith did not intend to forgive him if he apologized for his behavior.

At this moment, Eldith finally understood it well. Even if it was a restraint or a promise imposed by himself, he was willing to go forward despite of its consequences. Even if he was injured. That was when Eldith finally understood. It was as if this bound got imprinted on his body. As his true and sole role.

“How can I forgive such behavior? I do not know why kind of restraint or promise he made to himself. I truly didn’t understand this part of his.” Eldith still had doubts, but clearly knew that Lugis’ consciousness was bound by a foolish mind, which tried to sacrifice himself.

It felt more like an instinct. Yes, this type of instinct engraved deeply in his soul. So deep that he was willing to use his own death to achieve his purpose.

A purpose Eldith didn’t knew about. But, what for? And for whom? She really disliked the whole idea of this foolish act.

“Why? Just why?” Eldith wanted to know the reason why. Why was it so easy for him to forsake himself for the sake of accomplishing his purpose? If such a spell was binding Lugis, then all Eldith had to do was engrave a greater curse. “This time, I should become that person. A person that restrains Lugis.”

“Lugis told me once that he wouldn’t let me escape from my responsibilities. I feel the same way. I won’t let him escape. I will release the bound chaining him and I will bind him to me on this very time.”

Eldith repeated these words many times in her head. She no longer treated each word as a curse. She tried to mix the dark emotions that spurge up in her.

「…Okay. If you want to go, then you’ll have to do what I say. I want you to ask my permission every single time. I will take you to Lagias myself. But, don’t forget this. You are willing to go forward despite my objections. If so, then, from now on, you will trample on the feelings of the silver-haired girl, and even on the feelings of other comrades of yours. You will do exactly as I say if you want to go forward.」

Eldith’s illusion leaned against Lugis’ body, and she moved her small lips, whispering in his ear.

“I want to entwine his mind. He is not the only one willing to sacrifice something. In order to go forward and receive my blessing, I will keep reminding him to trample on someone else’s feelings over and over again.”

“I will do it no matter what it takes. All for his sake. Yes, to never again make such a foolish thing as sacrificing his own life.”